Another phase in life (HOMESICK)

Life was always just simple for me. No super duper high and exciting moments. No way way down moments. It was always just manageable. Nothing really hit me too hard. Nothing really grabbed me aside (knock on wood). But lately, I’ve been so down and low it’s been driving me nuts.

I always wanted to travel. I never imagined living abroad or getting married to someone abroad. Well, I did though. I always thought I would get married to a white guy (not being racist here, I’m just saying) I would have four kids and just live the normal, stay at home mom kind of life.

But that really didn’t go in the direction I planned. Every person I dated, I lost interest after about three dates. Which did surprise me too? I don’t know, things just didn’t really go down the road I imagined. Then on the business trip to Korea, I met Kaden, and it just all happened. Everything just happened. There were no plans, nothing was set up and everything we went through together, did together and places we went together, it all just naturally HAPPENED.

I thought that was gods way of telling me that I didn’t need to be a control freak, that things were already planned and that I didn’t need to do anything. That everything (and literally everything) was in his hands.

I accepted it and life just was a peaceful fountain flowing and flowing and flowing.

And then the NOW. The NOW, this moment, this very present moment that is just getting at me and eating me away. Is happening.  HOMESICK. Noting having a REAL friend to talk to, to spill your guts out with, to just have a cup of coffee without saying anything and they just know. I miss that. Living abroad has taught me three things. ONE. Don’t just trust anyone who is nice to you. TWO. Koreans are very self-centered and very good at acting. THREE. Do not live with the in-laws in any circumstance (although I’m still living with them) because you’ll raise kids that will NEVER follow your rules under GRANDMA and GRANDPAS roof.

Mentally, I can just manage and try to get a grasp of everything. But when darkness falls and literally all the stress and physical tension gets loose (or when all three monsters fall asleep at the same time) I just wanna crawl into a hole and cry.

I miss the BBQ chicken and baby back ribs. The A&W Mama burger, the trips to Costo (with the hot dogs and fries), PHO and calling Helen and Dave to meet up and just be me. Not having to put on any other mask, not having to worry about how people are going to judge. Not worrying about how my kids (especially Josh) are going to go to school here in Korea. ETC ETC ETC. Everything and anything is just making me fall into a deeper black hole.

I wish I could just get on a plane with the kids and Kaden and just enjoy what we have in front of us. Relax and have fun.

I wish. I really wish.

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