Parenting Notes

Discipline during playtime | 놀이중 훈육

August 29, 2016


가끔씩 다른 어떤 아기 엄마 친구는.
애들이 때리고 맞는 상황에서도. (우리 아들들 = 항상 맞는 역할)
자기 아이의 감정 상태를 먼저 읽어준답시고. (어디서 고따구로 배웠길래…!)
‘어어~~ xx이가 친구가 네 장난감을 쳐다봐서 속상했었어? 맞아 엄마도 그럴 땐 속상해. 그런데 친구를 때리면 안되지요? 우쭈쭈’
이 따위 소리를 하고 앉아있는 걸 볼 때 마다. 내 속이 뒤집어지는 줄 알았다.

아이 감정 중요한데.
아이 클 수록 나 개인적으로는.
내 새끼 감정 읽어주는 걸 먼저 할 게 있고.
따끔하게 가르쳐야할 공공의 규칙을 아이의 감정 읽어주기 보다 앞서서 알려줘야할 게 있다.
때로는 아이 감정 읽어주는 것보다 먼저되어야할 단호함이라는게 있는 법이다.
어쩌면. 내가 군인이었던 아빠 밑에서 그렇게 자라서 그게 몸에 베어 이안. 이삭이를 그렇게 키우는 까닭도 있겠지.
[출처] 33 / 52|작성자 쉬크얀맘 인 싱가포르

와.. 정말 언니의 이 글을 보는 순간 “띠용~~~” 그리고 공감 버튼을 정말 100번도 넘게 눌러주고 싶었다. 요즘 내가 생각하는 것들 중 하나인 바로 “엄마의 훈육”.

But really, is there such a thing as correct discipline? No really, seriously. It’s not a RIGHT or WRONG thing when it comes to disciplining a child. Every child is different, every mother is different and every situation is different. We can’t apply every rule or guideline that is given to us.

A while ago, I don’t even remember when exactly but I had a mother and her son over at our house. The kids played while the mother and I were talking and her son hit Andrea. On the head. Andrea obviously cried. The mother just said to her son “hey don’t hit her”. Not in a strict, mommy is going to give you a time out or spanking kind of way but in a very soft-spoken way. Then in about half an hour, the boy and Andrea were fighting over a xylophone stick. The boy was 1 year older than Andrea, he was stronger and bigger, so the end result of the fight or conflict between the two was obvious. However, I don’t like leaving kids at that young age to resolve this on their own because it could end up becoming very physical. As I approached the two of them the boy grabbed the stick and hit Andrea. More like he scraped Andrea’s chest with the stick. Pointy side against her. Andrea ended up with a really big scar on  her chest down to her belly due to this.

Now here’s the interesting part. The mother. What did she do? She just said to her boy that it was a very rude thing to do. She said that SHE was sorry to Andrea. Yes, the boy didn’t leave the scar on Andrea on purpose, but he did hit her on the head. But she didn’t make her child apologise. She just apologised to Andrea and what was the boy doing while all this was happening? He was in our master bedroom playing with the xylophone.

This totally was not logical to me. It didn’t make any sense to my head. That’s why I don’t keep in touch with them. After this, I didn’t respond to any of the mother’s texts or playdate suggestions.

There’s a saying in Korea that goes “a child’s fight turns into a mother’s fight”. I really didn’t want to go that far so I just ignored everything and shut them out of my life and my child’s.

After this incident, I learned to discipline my children in a very strict, bold and sometimes mean way. On the spot, when it happens and with enough impact that they understand, it’s wrong and very NOT nice to do. If needed I sometimes yell and even spank my kids. However, this is my way of disciplining. I’m not saying everyone should follow these standards. I’m not saying every child should be talked to like this. I’m also not saying I do this ALL THE TIME. ONLY WHEN IT IS NEEDED. But there are those very few mothers (and sometimes fathers) out there that really make me squint my eyes and say “WHAT THE HECK?!?’.

Those parents are the ones that are like the ones mentioned in 쉬크얀맘’s post. The ones that are so understanding and so calm about the situation that it’s ridiculous. “Oh, were you mad that your friend took this toy? I would be mad too. But you have to share and be nice”. HUH? WHAT?! That’s it?! If my kid took YOUR CHILD’S TOY at YOUR HOUSE and hit YOUR KID in the middle of this, I would have taken my kid into an empty room and smacked sense into him! Literally!!

Why would I have done that? Because children need to know HOW to handle situations like this and learn what morals and standards to follow. They are called MANNERS. Life manners, living manners and public community manners. Whatever you want to call them. My child would have to know that this is not the situation to make a fuss because it’s not HIS HOUSE, they are not HIS TOYS and to hit someone is BAD. BAD BAD BAD!!!! If my child didn’t get this on the spot and my disciplining didn’t have enough impact on him or her to NOT do that ever again. Then they will eventually do it again. Someone else’s child will get hurt and hearts will be broken due to this. That’s why.

I also would act upon it because we as parents need to teach children to respect others and their belongings. For the parent to know HOW to approach this is HOW a child would know and learn how to SHOW respect for peers and friends.

I once said to one of my friends that if a mother doesn’t have any friends and the mother and child are always just meeting new people and new play groups, then there’s a reason why.

Okay, 그 엄마랑 아들을 우리 삶에서 완전히 차단 시켜버린게 조금은 잔인하고 냉정했을수도 있겠지만. 나는 기본적으로 “인식” 을 못하는 사람, 눈치가 없어서 본인이 무엇을 잘못했는지 뭐때문에 상대방이 기분이 나쁜지 모른다던가 아니면 사과를 해야 하는것 자체를 이해 못하고 모르고 있는 사람은 나와 가치관도 안맞고, 인간 관계의 기본이 없다고 생각하기에 잘 했다고 생각한다.

난 그 누구의 훈육 방법도, 그 어느 엄마의 육아 가치관도 옳고 틀리다고 말하는 것도 아니고. I’m just saying if your child is constantly hitting other children and conflicts with other children keep arising. Then maybe it’s time to take things to the next level and act upon it instead of just trying to show your child “mommy understands you’re mad but please be nice”.

Don’t just treat your child as your forever baby, TEACH them what they need to learn to become a respectful HUMAN BEING.

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