My Notes

I am not your maid or your mother

March 3, 2016


THIS. Is literally how I have been feeling and thinking lately. I’m not trying to bad mouth my husband or anything. Don’t get me wrong. He is the best daddy and husband. He’s great at loving us and loving us and loving us.. and I think that’s about all that he’s good at right now.

“I am not your maid or your mother” is literally what I’ve been wanting to say to him for the past few weeks (and I did say it to him, I wrote this after “the talk” with him).

I love him dearly but lately, I feel like I’m not his wife or the mother of his kids, but just a cleaning lady or a maid.

Singapore is a country that is very accustomed to having a helper in the house. Most average or mid class homes have a helper and most expats have a helper too. The condos and houses are built with “maid rooms” and the floor plan of the houses come with a separate room and powder room for the helper.

When we returned to Singapore, Kaden talked about renting a place with a helper room and getting a helper for us.  I said no. We couldn’t afford the extra thousand dollars that would go into a helper and I didn’t want to raise my kids in that kind of environment. I wanted my kids to grow up knowing that all persons were equal and that they need to be treated equal. I’m not saying that people don’t treat their helpers equally or that helpers are looked down upon. No I’m not saying that. I’m saying that I could do everything on my own and that I really don’t need someone to help me around the house or with the kids.

I’m pretty good with house chores and looking after the kids. My daily tasks and routine is planned out in my head so that everything goes on schedule (and so that my kids have food to eat and clean clothes to wear). As my friends puts it “Vicky does EVERYTHING” around the house. I do admit it though. She’s right. I do “DO EVERYTHING” around here. It’s not that I haven’t asked for Kaden’s help. But for some reason, the things I’ve asked him to do NEVER GET DONE. I tell my mother-in-law this, and she always blames herself for it. She says it’s because of the way she raised him. SHE DID EVERYTHING FOR HIM. He NEVER took out the trash. NEVER. She was the one who emptied his garbage can and SHE was the one who cleaned his room. He wasn’t a momma’s boy but it seemed to me like he WAS a mommas boy at home.

When Kaden and I got married, we lived at our in-laws apartment. 550 square feet of living space and 4 adults really made it tight. But for me, I though that in order for all of us to really become FAMILY, we should live together. Kaden and I really couldn’t afford a house yet too. Then when Josh came, it was like a tiny house over loading with people and baby stuff. Back then, it wasn’t my house, so I just helped out through the house work. I would do the dishes if needed, and clean the house when my mother in law didn’t. She did all the cooking and basically took care of us. She didn’t like it when I took out the trash or cleaned the bathroom. She made it feel like I was invading her personal bubble or as if I was touching and reorganizing her stuff the way she didn’t want it to be. That’s when I started to just let go and let her take over. I really don’t like it when someone touches my stuff or organizes my stuff cause everyone has their own way of putting things in places that’s comfortable for them. That’s probably why my mother in law didn’t want me to clean the house and well… CLEAN anything. I totally respected that, and hey, less cleaning for me, that’s TOTALLY GRRREAT by me!

But when Kaden, Josh and I moved to Singapore, it was like our first house. Our first living space. Ours. Just us. It was a place for us three. I was the one to clean, I was the one to cook and I was the one to organize EVERYTHING. Kaden was supposed to help out with bathing Josh, putting Josh to bed, taking out the trash, cleaning the air conditioners, cleaning the house on Sundays (I mean like really squeaky clean clean CLEANING) and doing the dishes once in a while. After about… six months, it went down to, clean the bathroom, do the dishes after dinner and watch Josh while “I” cleaned the house.


Meaning: Get off your ass now and do this!!!!!

I clean the house everyday, I make breakfast lunch and dinner, I wash the kids, I put the kids to bed (alone BTW, and if you have two kids, it’s really not that easy putting two kids to bed at the same time) I go grocery shopping by myself (I ergo Andrea on my back and carry the ten heavy bags of groceries in my hand or take the small stroller, but mostly its the ergo Andrea method for quick runs), I do the dishes, I do the laundry and I take care of the other gazillion errands that have to be done for us. When I ask him to watch the kids while I do the dishes, he’s in the room, on the bed, playing candy crush. When I ask him to watch the kids on Sunday while I’m out (I never get to go out on my own and drink coffee or just go out for a breath of fresh air without the kids BTW, its like a once a month kind of thing for me to go out), he doesn’t do any of the chores in the house. He literally just watches the kids and that’s all he does. I have to stay up all night when my kids are sick. I have to wake up every three hours and put Andrea back to sleep. I have to wake up at 6 AM and breastfeed Andrea. I have to make sure there’s still toothpaste left in our cupboard! See where this is going?

I mean, am I living in the 1800s of Korea? I understand that the Korean culture and traditions go on the whole “wives stay home and take care of the house and kids” thing but really?! It’s 2016 and are the heads of Korean men (and I mean by Korean men =  my husband) still stuck in that day and age??? REALLY??? Is that what he expects from me?

Yes I understand that he has a full-time job. Yes I understand that because he works for a Korean company, he has long hours and works on Saturdays. Yes I understand the stress level of his job and how detail oriented he has to be and how he has to really focus and take care of little tiny things. Yes I understand that in order for the four of us to LIVE properly or survive in this country that has surreal rental costs and living costs, that Kaden has to work his butt off. YES I GET THAT!!!!


If you put my husbands working conditions to mine. Really it’s nothing. If all of what is stated above is put into working hours and you compare that to what he does. I bet you I make way more money than he does.

The thing is though. While he gets recognized for what he does, I get the “but you’re the house wife, those are things you’re suppose to do.”

For REAllllllll?!?!??!

Am I messed up here or is there something really wrong in this picture?!?????

I am sick of picking up after his mess, I am sick and tired of not getting a break, and I am sick and tired of saying the same things over and over again!

What is it that I want?

I want my husband to at least do the things I ask him to do, when it has been asked. Not sit on his ass and be lazy. That’s what I want. If I put a list of things to do on the magnet wall, YOU DO IT!!!! Don’t make me feel like I’m a maid and help out around the house!!! There are so many men out there who are stay at home dads, there are so many men out there who help out around the house and be supportive of his wife. THERE ARE MEN OUT THERE WHO DO EVERY SINGLE THING ON THAT DAMN LIST BECAUSE HE CARES AND LOVES HIS WIFE.

Get the point?!?!?

If you’re a husband of someone, someone who does all the house chores and cooks you great home meals, go and do the dishes and show your wife how much you love her. Show your appreciation and tell her how much you appreciate all that she does around the house for you!

(I hope Kaden reads this and realizes something.)

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1 Comment

  • Dk March 9, 2016 at 5:26 PM


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