My Notes

The Blind Side

June 20, 2017

Today I sat on the cold floor of our room, in the corner, watching my infant sleep in his crib, going back and forth between him and my small little iPhone, I watched the movie “The Blind Side”.

I remember seeing the preview for this movie and I remember thinking to myself how an obvious, touching movie this would be. It would probably just be one of those movies where a white, rich and smart woman helps out a poor black boy. Well, I thought wrong. This movie opened my mind, it opened my thoughts and made me think.

This woman opened doors for this young man, took him in (in her house literally) and changed his life. She became his legal guardian, basically adopted him and made sure he got a chance in everything a young person deserved. A chance in things most kids take granted. Education, a home, a family. LOVE.

(Image Provided by Wikipedia)

As I watched the ending credit for this movie, I thought to myself..

What can I do for my children?

What door can I open for my children?

Am I a good parent?

Am I a good person?

Am I doing the right thing?

So many questions came up on my mind, I asked myself so many questions but couldn’t answer one of them. Not a single question. I couldn’t answer a single question. It was like I was taken into “zone out mode” and just kept asking these questions to myself that I couldn’t even answer.

I have been thinking Josh a lot lately. He’s changed. Like all kids, he’s changed since going to kindergarten in Korea. AND I HATE IT. I hate how he talks and acts. Why? Korean kids have this tone of voice that they ALL DO. Josh was doing it. He sang like all the other kids, he talked like all the other kids and he was turning into… well.. this kid that seemed so… NOT MY JOSH. The innocent, sweet and charming child that was always so bright and charming was changing into .. well.. just one of those other Korean kids that always asked weird questions, talked in the bit rude tone of voice and was getting very annoying. It was like I had some control over Josh in Singapore but now in Korea I didn’t. It was like.. I don’t know he just seemed so distant. It was as if I had no control over him. Not that I’m trying to make him into anything but my thoughts and standards are still pretty firm.

As I had Josh and as hi turned one, I promised myself that I would 1. always be there for my child not matter what, 2. make sure they live in a good, clean environment and 3. always be loved.

No this list is getting longer. I feel like I have number 4 and the numbers keep rising. I want them to be able to run around freely, I want them to be able to choose what they want to do and how to do it. I want them to be able to live freely and have the brains to choose wisely. I want them to have a good education and I want them to be able to enjoy life.

While watching this movie, I found myself thinking…

“what in the world am I doing to make sure this so called list is achieved?”

This woman was already successful, she had a great house, a GREAT outfit and lived the ideal successful life. She already had everything to be able to PROVIDE to others. Not that this movie was about her and her success but it made me think AGAIN, do I have to make lots of money to be able to give my children those same options? Do I have to be successful and have a “place” in life where my voice will be heard and noticed?

Hmm…

As I sat on the floor and watched this movie on my iPhone, all these things came up in my mind and I could only come up with one conclusion.

GOD.

Money could probably help my kids, a title on a slick business card could probably help my kids but it all came down to that one word, GOD.

People say the phrase “Good lord, help me. Oh my God please (blah blah blah)” so I decided to rely on my God and pray for my kids. Pray for them and pray for me. So that I could hear God’s voice when he talks to me and make sure that I take his lead. Make sure I listen to him and be careful not to drive my kids crazy. Cause I know in some situations I’m going to have conflict and want to make them into something I want them to be, not what they want to be.

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