Okay, so it’s 37 years to be exact but Korean age is 38 and I’m in Korea so lets just stick with 37.
Over the past week, or few days to be exact, I have gone through hell, heaven and hell again. Some one very close to me was tested for COVID19 (it came out negative THANK GOD), things are happening within Seoul that should not happen and my kids are not going back to school AGAIN, until after September 11th.
Life before COVID19 is something I cannot draw into my head. It’s not like the memories I have of my childhood I can just open up and talk about without any hesitation. I don’t remember how the day started, I don’t remember the last time I went outside or worked out without a mask and I don’t quite remember the time our family went to a mall to “just look around” or hang out. I know everyone is going through the same thing. Everyone is probably thinking the same thing and going to the same emotions but living in a house of 7 people and having to go through these changes has had a lot more effect on us than I thought.
Most people I hang out with or that I like to meet up with have a common sense of morals and a some common ground I can share with. Most people I respect and I admire are people who have a certain amount of pride or a high level of self esteem. I love that in an Asian-American or Asian-Canadian. I have full respect for them because of the different cultures that they go through and the different standards people look at them with.
When it’s the other way around and you’re an Asian-American or Asian-Canadian (I just like saying the word Asian-Canadian although it means the same thing) living in your country of origin, things are a little different.
You are looked upon as one of their own. You’re accepted and viewed the same as every other person on the street. However, once they realize you’re not the same and that you are different. The differentiating begins. I am not going to use the word “discriminate” because that has a totally different tone to it and right now, that’s not where I want to go.
I first came to Korea to explore my roots and look deeper into the background of our family. It was just a very random but meaningful challenge from my dad. He had always said to me that I wasn’t Korean. That I didn’t know where my roots came from and that there were way more things to see and know in the Korean heritage than I know of. That was the first reason I decided to “find my roots”. However, now it’s a fight with myself.
My fight is not with COVID19, it is not with anyone else but me. I made the decision to come to Korea and to marry a Korean man. I was bless with God’s grace and love to be able to naturally give birth to three wonderful children. However, that blessing has become somewhat of a burden. I am not saying I regret having three children. But taking care of three children has become a very tiring and very heavy weighted concern to me.
At first, we were all so positive. We were so supportive of each other. Me, myself and I were such a great team. Things were going so well. And it even looked like there was going to be light at the end of this very long and dreading tunnel. But the COVID19 cases that have been showing up again with such close people getting tested, it’s become a reality that has brought out the vulnerable and very very disorganized, chaotic side of me.
It was a long fight, the past 7 months. Now looking at it as 8 months it still seems like it’s a fight that’s non stop. One thing after another. The next attack headed my way right after the last one. But I know my God is here to protect me and no matter what happens, I am going to be okay.
I am a human who has faith. Who has a religion and a God who never gives up on me. I will stand up and fight and I will get through this no matter. Not just for my kids but for me. It’s hard. I am just trying to bring myself back up right now.. and it’s just part of the process.
So if there are any of you thinking the same. That you feel you can’t bring yourself up again. I’m with you. I feel you and I’m praying for you.
Let’s get through this together.