I honestly don’t know what road I am walking and where I’m going. For most of my life, I have just walked roads I’ve never really been on and thought it was “the path” God was guiding me in. I thought I just needed to read his signs correctly and walk in the direction he wanted me to go to. I didn’t have a “plan” that I was following. I didn’t really have a purpose in the things I did. I just walked because I needed to.
I studies because I needed to the grades. I went to college because I needed to get a job. I got a job because I needed the money to live and survive. Our family was never a wealthy family. I can say with confidence that we were always poor. We were never on the wealthy side. Not even along the border line of the wealthy side. My mother grew up in a very wealthy home. She grew up with everything she needed. Then later on, her family and her father (my grandfather) went downhill. So for me. My childhood, high school, and even in college, I never got what I wanted.
I wanted to dance.
I still want to dance. I think. I don’t know exactly. I can’t say it with confidence that I want to dance because I’m not 100% sure.
I wasn’t able to dance because I couldn’t afford to pay the school tuition fees for a 4 year degree. I had the grades. I made it just enough so that I wasn’t on the GPA cutline but I was pretty close to it. So, I was able to go to SFU or apply to a university in the USA that was famous for dance and choreography. I knew if I took auditions, and interviews, I would get in. But I never applied. I knew my family couldn’t support me. I knew I could get scholarships but I also knew I didn’t have the money to support living costs. So yeah. I was a loser and just gave up.
After giving up dance. That’s when I started to just live how life went. It was like a slow flow of water that didn’t really have a place to go. It wasn’t going towards a river or the ocean. It was just a little stream that was just going somewhere. Eventually I thought I would find my way. But even today. I still don’t know how my life is flowing and where it’s flowing to.
I have no goal. I have no purpose and I have no objective to look forward to. I am saying this because I recently realized this by download a program called NOTION. I was introduced to this by a student of mine (big thanks to JJ for this! I thank you!) and when he first told me about it, it was just an app. It was just another app or program I wanted to explore and play around with. I knew from JJ that if I made use of it, enough, I could plan my life goals and find direction.
JJ gave me a list of Youtube videos to watch before going on with the app and I did. I saw them. to be honest I saw them roughly. I basically skimmed through them. I wanted to get a head start on the charts and schedules to see where things were going. I didn’t really know what exactly I was doing but typed in all my schedules and projects and important aspects of my daily life routine that I needed to take care of. Basically my responsibilities.
I know I could have done it a lot better and more efficiently if I had watched all of the Youtube videos JJ had sent me but I didn’t and so I did everything, one by one. It was actually good that I did it the old fashion way of inputting everything one by one. Because it made me realize how much shit I have on my list.
Anyways, by doing that, I realized that I have no direction or goals. I have no specific goals. I have no short term goals or long term goals for my life. I used to want things and want to be a certain person. But right now I know nothing of myself. I don’t know where I want to be in a year or what I want to do in a few years.
I am going to be turning 40 in two years. Yeap. In two years I am going to be 40. Forty is a big number.
20 was a big number to me when I was 19. 30 seemed like an even bigger number when I was 29. Now that I’m headed towards 40. It seems like 400 rather than 40. I’m sure all women who go through this will agree with me.
I was sacred and vulnerable due to this change in life. I can say for sure and with a doctors confirmation that my mentality is very weak. But even though I am weak and still trying to get over this “thing” I am doing my best to bring myself back up. To bring myself up and keep going again. Keep me safe from myself and the negative thoughts I keep getting. I am praying every day and trying to make each day worth it. Trying to spend more quality time with my kids and Kaden.
So what am I going to do? I am going to continue using this app or software called Notion and see if the results are what I expected them to be. I am going to see if I can align myself and my life with all the objectives and goals I am going to set and try to achieve. I am going to be on this every morning and make sure I really DO IT. Not “just do it” but really. Literally, DO IT.